Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
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Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
moms in horror movies
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.