Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I love wikipedia
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
somebody come look at this
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy