You’re like if “nope” was a person.
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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
jesus christ confetti not now
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
These dogs look like they have good credit.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.