doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear