Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?