Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
lmfao
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*