I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Breaking news:
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
we all know this pain all too well
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.