Nomnomnomnom
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there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
The answer is funnier than the question
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows