ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.