The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
This is why I hate group projects
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
good work, everybody
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show