I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
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Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now