38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”