38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
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You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
May have had one breakfast too many
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him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
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So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
That earthquake could have been an email.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?