Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
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Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Don’t touch that.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.