Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..