Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.