@thisjason

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

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@Paxochka

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

@RickAaron

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

@SCbchbum

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

@Ygrene

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

@NamestartswithZ

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@batkaren

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

@Cidisn

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”