Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse