Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag