Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.