I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
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[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
True?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.