Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
🛁
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Every time my phone rings
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries