Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
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If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Beards are a privilege, not a right
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I didn’t realize that was an option
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?