[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You Might Also Like
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
all bases covered
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Very good news from my accountant
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.