Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.