My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!