Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
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My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.