My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.