Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I wish I were this cool 😂
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.