Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.