Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
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Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped