Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

the saddest jazz hands ever

I think about this a lot

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.