My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
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Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
sugar glider wrangler
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
HELP 😭
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.