Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Nomnomnomnom
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Breaking news:
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.