Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you鈥檙e grounded.
Son: But I鈥檓 already grounded. WE鈥橰E ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
The flight attendant asked if I鈥檇 like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 馃檨
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That鈥檚 adulthood….
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.