It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
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Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit