Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
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my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Just why bro?!
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.