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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Fights fire with marshmallows
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
definitely did not do anything wrong