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My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit