MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
You Might Also Like
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.