I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Is this you?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
This one’s “Alex”.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)