Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Found the job I’m suited for
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.