I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Why I divorced her.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China