Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
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Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?