99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
He a real one for that
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Tough love is true love
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan