Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
you stereotypes are all alike
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.