@AndyRichter My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
@OBiiieeee *i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
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@AndyRichter 
@stacywawa1 The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
@tchrquotes Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
@QwertyJones3 This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
@BradleyWhitford And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
@KevinFarzad I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
@stats_canada 85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
@noog [aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
@CatsForDinnerz Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
@mom_needsalife Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.