My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
A PORK CHOP
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The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“We have one theory”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.