Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ConanOBrien

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

@CrockettForReal

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

@Quartzjixler

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

@Ahm76

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

@writerPT

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

@Manglewood

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

@Fred_Delicious

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

@AbbyHasIssues

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

@Tbone7219

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share