*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
This is not me but this is me
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*