@Jane_Doe82 Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
@daemonic3 FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
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@Jane_Doe82 @daemonic3 Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
@dadmann_walking 7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
@AlexvanBeek ‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
@bonehugsnirony If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
@truegritrumble WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
@prncss_fifi “There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
@theshantilly *works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
@AsgardianRose Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
@notacroc RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name