@daemonic3

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

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@Jane_Doe82

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

@daemonic3

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

@dadmann_walking

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

@bonehugsnirony

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@truegritrumble

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

@theshantilly

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

@AsgardianRose

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

@notacroc

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name