@christweetsllc ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
@johntabin Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
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@christweetsllc 
@10InchesPlus You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
@___apalagini “Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
@Petote BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
@XLToast No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
@runawaycupcake The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
@abbycohenwl Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
@flashember [Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
@skullpuppy11 Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
@PettyRuxpin83 No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!