Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
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Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.