I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!