Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
That’s what I call a flat tire
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Breaking news:
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side