[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”