If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
You Might Also Like
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Very good news from my accountant
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo