To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
i did the math
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
i actually laughed 😩
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote