Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.