Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
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My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.