Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Happens to everyone.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My apartment is a mess, I should move
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something