All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs